When Sinners Say "I Do" -
Discovering the Power of the Gospel for Marriage by Dave Harvey (
Shepherd Press, 2007)
A refreshingly different approach to marriage: gospel-driven, sin-hating, Jesus-loving, mercy-saturated, God-glorifying!
Here's the core truth of the book: "What we believe about God determines the quality of our marriage" (p20). Think about it, if we believe God is distant, cold, and unemotional, how will that affect our marriage? If we believe God is mean, angry, and vengeful, how will that affect our marriage? But if we trust with all our hearts that God is merciful, holy, compassionate, pure, and forgiving, how should that affect our relationship with our spouse?
I Timothy 1:15-16, Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners-- of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life.
"The big deal is that my sin is not first against me or my marriage. All sin is first against God ... Once I know that I am indeed the worst of sinners, then my spouse is no longer my biggest problem: I am. And when I find myself walking in the shoes of the worst of sinners, I will make every effort to grant my spouse the same lavish grace that God has granted me" (p41).
We are at war with sin but there is hope, massive hope in Jesus. No matter how devastating sin has been in your marriage, no matter how long you have been enslaved to sin, no matter how deep and painful sin has hurt you and your marriage, there is hope.
Romans 8:1-2, Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
"What does this mean for us in our battle with the flesh? It means that no matter how defeated we feel in battle, we are overcomers because of two amazing expressions of the grace of God. We stand forgiven in God's court because of the atoning sacrifice of Christ - God no longer views us in relationship to our sin. And we are welcomed as righteous in God's house because of the imputed righteousness of Christ!" (p57)
Then the author gives practical wisdom for resolving conflict. In every marriage conflict/disagreement/miscommunication/argument:
1. In humility, suspect yourself first.
Jeremiah 17:9, The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked.
2. In integrity, inspect yourself.
Matthew 7:5, Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye.
3. Admit that circumstances only reveal existing sin.
Luke 6:45, A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart brings forth evil. For out of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaks.
4. Focus on undeserved grace, not unmet needs.
James 4:1, Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members? Ephesians 1:7, In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins, according to the riches of His grace.
Then the author tackles the difficult reality of differences in marriage. How do we overcome divisive, irreconcilable differences and weaknesses in marriage?
MERCY.
Luke 6:36, Therefore be merciful, just as your Father also is merciful.
Mercy is God's undeserved, unmerited kindness, patience, compassion, and forgiveness toward us. "Sweet marriages are built on mercy dispensed." "Mercy doesn't change the need to speak truth. It transforms our motivation from a desire to win battles to a desire to represent Christ. It takes me out of the center and puts Christ in the center. This requires mercy" (p82).
Mercy is the Spirit-filled power to demonstrate kindness even when you think you will be sinned against tomorrow. It's the desire to be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger. It's the power to cover sin in love.
{At this point I appreciate how the author takes time to address unique situations like abuse, where the most merciful act is to separate and find help.}
Mercy is also ready to grant forgiveness with no strings attached.
Matthew 18:23-35, Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. The servant fell on his knees before him. 'Be patient with me,' he begged, 'and I will pay back everything.' The servant's master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. He grabbed him and began to choke him. 'Pay back what you owe me!' he demanded. His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, 'Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.' But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. Then the master called the servant in. 'You wicked servant,' he said, 'I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. Shouldn't you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?' In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.
"For the sake of our marriages we must see ourselves in the shoes of the 10,000-talent debtor. The appreciation of a massive debt forgiven (our sin against a holy God) forms the basis and starting point for our forgiveness of one another's much smaller (by comparison) offenses. Without understanding the depth of our sin against God and the riches of his forgiveness toward us, we will never be able to forgive others" (p104).
Stay tuned for the rest of the book....
